Wedding Memories

The girl and I watched my wedding video this morning. She had been looking at my pictures, and I thought, Hey, I've got video of that! She liked it and found some white shoes and a white ballet skirt for a veil and had a wedding. It was a nice moment between us after an awful awful day yesterday.

I hadn't watched my wedding in a long long time. I forgot how thin I was. It's like a dream. It was somewhat sad when I realized how many people in my video are no longer with us. And I cried when we repeated our vows. It was a nice day. Here is me on my wedding day(note:to anyone who thinks I look good and might want to stalk me--I don't look like this anymore, it's been 11.5 years and 4 children since this was taken.)

Ironically, the people I'm talking to in this picture are splitcats two former love interests.



In some ways I did not recognize myself. In other ways I am more like my former self than I have been in a long time. I disengaged myself from my emotions some years ago for various reasons. Now I am relearning how to have emotions without becoming physically ill(that's how I got so skinny) and how to have emotions without them ruling my actions.

I am nowhere near the wife and mother I once imagined I would be. I hope to be that someday, though. Splitcat keeps reminding me to take small steps, not giant leaps. For every step I take forward I seem to take a step and a half back sometimes. But I continue to plod ahead through the mud, through the rain, and through the good days. I am ready for this dark night to be over. But I think I still have more to learn and unlearn before that happens.



I have noticed lately a change that the Lord has begun in me back to parts of my former self. I had become desensitized the the things of the world over the past 13 years, and lately, I am finding so much that offends me as a Christian. And so many things that make my heart break. I hope that this means that I am reaching the place where there is more of Him and less of Me.