Another meaningless post(well, it was when I started)

I don't really have anything to say today, but I'm trying to keep up the habit of writing. It's been a fairly quiet weekend. I've been experimenting with not taking my morning sickness medication. I made it all day Friday, and so far today. I wouldn't say I feel normal, but I'm not curled up in the fetal position trying not to throw up either. I don't know if it's from the medication or it's just me, but I'm having a hard time with noise. Especially high pitched little boy voices. I called my mother the other day to tell her I now understood why she made us keep our voices down or sent us outside.

I went to three consignment sales yesterday. I knew they were my only hope for finding maternity clothes that didn't show off all 12 inches of my previously acquired stretch marks. There is apparently a new trend in showing off your belly. And your body. Were I one of those lucky women who only have a baby belly without gaining weight everywhere else, this might be a viable option. But I am not. At not quite 14 weeks along, I am as big as I was with P. at 6 months. I am growing at what seems an alarming rate. The frightening part is not knowing how huge I am going to end up. Fortunately I found some pre "Sex and the City" maternity clothes. The kind that actually accommodate a growing belly and body. If I don't wear skin tight clothes when I'm not pregnant, why would I wear them when I am.

But me and clothes have a long history of struggle. The only time in my life I have easily found clothes that fit properly was after I lost 20 lbs my freshman year in college until I was pregnant with P. So for 6 years out of my 30 I could wear anything I wanted. I guess I still could, but I don't think the general public would appreciate it. Not that I think it's a bad thing that women are taking more time for their appearance, I think that's great. After all, I had to live through the grunge years(the residual effect being that I still want a pair of doc martens). However, not all of us have Hollywood bodies. Some of us are pregnant with twins.

I realized a few years ago that I must have had body dysmorphic disorder as a teenager. Looking one day through old photos I was astonished at what I really looked like. My perceptions at the time were vastly different. Losing weight in college due to illness did help change that. One day I looked in the mirror and realized I was too thin(and no, I did not have an eating disorder). Once I obtained medical help for my condition and put on a few more pounds I felt really good about myself. I have generally been able to maintain that sense of well-being, with a few years in-between childbearing wondering if I should even bother(more a sign of my severe ppd than bdd) or just get pregnant again(I got pregnant again, a great way to avoid dieting). I know that after the twins are born I will really have to take hold of myself and get back in shape. If I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did, I was going to have to do something about myself. But knowing that what I see isn't necessarily what others see has changed how I view myself. I try to take a step back and see myself through someone else's eyes. I also try hard to tell my daughter daily that she is beautiful. I've had to stop myself commenting in front of her on her chubby thighs(which are so cute). She is a sensitive child, and I see so much of me in her, I don't want her to ever say that the things I said about her were hurtful. I was lucky to have a mother who was never unkind(at least not in my hearing :)).

So I guess I had something to say today after all. I was just going to say I also found the twin stroller I wanted for half the price of retail. Instead you got a glimpse into the fascinating person that is me.

Soon I will also be blogging once a week as part of a group blog with my online writing group. Fortunately someone will be providing a prompt. I'll post a link once we get started.